Can OCD Make You Doubt Your Relationship?

You love your partner.

Or...you think you do.

But then your brain asks:

What if I don't actually love them?

So you check how you feel.

Then you remember you weren't that excited to see them yesterday.

Wait. Shouldn't I have been more excited?

Now you're comparing your relationship to other couples, replaying your last date, Googling how you're "supposed" to feel when you're in love, and wondering whether the fact that you're asking the question means you already know the answer.

Welcome to the absolutely exhausting world of Relationship OCD.

What Is Relationship OCD?

Relationship OCD, or ROCD, is OCD that gets stuck on doubts about your relationship, your partner, or your feelings toward them.

Common ROCD thoughts include:

• What if I don't really love my partner?
• What if they're not the right person?
• What if I'm settling?
• What if I'm not attracted to them enough?
• What if there's someone better for me?
• What if I stay and regret it?
• What if I leave and regret it?

The problem isn't simply having relationship doubts. People without OCD have doubts too.

The problem is what happens when your brain decides you need to solve those doubts before you can relax.

Why Do I Keep Checking How I Feel About My Partner?

Because OCD wants certainty.

You might check whether you feel excited when your partner walks into the room. Whether a kiss felt right. Whether you missed them enough. Whether you find someone else more attractive.

Maybe you mentally compare this relationship to an old one.

Maybe you ask your friends what they think.

Maybe you Google "How do you know if you're really in love?" at 1:00 in the morning.

You get some relief.

Then your brain produces another question.

That's the ROCD cycle.

ROCD Compulsions Don't Always Look Like Compulsions

A lot of Relationship OCD happens entirely inside your head.

You might:

• Analyze your feelings toward your partner
• Compare your relationship to other couples
• Ask friends, family, or your partner for reassurance
• Google signs that you're with the wrong person
• Replay conversations or dates
• Check your attraction to your partner
• Make mental lists of their good and bad qualities
• Imagine breaking up to see how it makes you feel

These things can feel like you're thoughtfully evaluating your relationship.

But if you've evaluated the same damn relationship 400 times and still don't feel settled, you may not be gathering information anymore.

You may be doing a compulsion.

But What If My Relationship Really Is Wrong?

Yep. That's the question OCD desperately wants answered.

And good OCD treatment isn't going to promise that your relationship is right, tell you to stay, or tell you to leave.

Relationships involve uncertainty. There isn't a test that can guarantee you've chosen the right person or predict exactly how you'll feel about them ten years from now.

OCD treatment helps you stop spending your life trying to obtain that guarantee.

What Actually Helps Relationship OCD?

Evidence-based OCD treatments including ERP, I-CBT, and ACT can help you change your relationship with obsessive doubt and reduce the checking, reassurance, rumination, and other compulsions keeping the cycle going.

The goal isn't to make you perfectly certain about your relationship.

It's to get you to a place where you don't need to conduct another three-hour investigation every time your brain asks:

But what if?

Written by Ashley Annestedt, LCSW

Ashley specializes in OCD, Tourette syndrome, tic disorders, skin picking disorder, trichotillomania, and PANDAS/PANS using evidence-based approaches including ERP, I-CBT, ACT, CBIT, and ComB. For nearly 20 years, she's helped children, adolescents, and adults lean into uncertainty and get back to living their lives.